Author Biography

Ashlyn Clarke is a full-time student at USU. She is studying Radiology and attending school to get a Masters in Advanced Radiology. She is the only girl of 3 brothers and is very passionate about everything she is involved in. Not only is she a full-time student but she also has a part-time job that she attends to outside of school and studying. Life is always busy for her but she wouldn’t have it any other way.

This essay was composed in November 2023 and uses APA documentation.

Think about the person that you are today. Intelligent, strong, approachable, polite, mature, etc. All of those attributes come from how you were raised. When you do things because it’s ‘right’, that is based on the knowledge that you gained from growing up. Doesn’t that sound like your young years are some of the most crucial parts of life to make sure that you are raised right? It is safe to assume that most of you reading this are planning to have kids in the future or maybe you already have kids, and you plan to have more. Regardless of your current situation, I hope that you are going have an open mind and choose to raise your children in the best way that you possibly can. According to my brother and some of my co-workers, becoming a parent is something that many people say is one of the hardest jobs that you could ever take up. From the college of Reno, Nevada, they share a study with the U.S. and Canada which states, “According to a 2018 Business Performance Innovation network survey of 2,000 parents in the United States and Canada, 88% of the parents said that parenting today is harder than when they were children” (K, 2021). You are responsible for yourself plus a whole other person. They also state, “As most parents agree, taking care of a child and his or her many, many needs can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Everyday stresses…can make parenting more difficult” (K, 2021). Most parents want to do their best to be the perfect parents, but no one is perfect, and you will have days that are so hard that make you feel like you aren’t good enough to be their mom or dad. One of the best mindsets that you can have for yourself would be to realize that your focus during all of the good and every single bad day is doing the best you can for your kid. Because you can see how important they are to you, let’s make sure we set them up to have good and successful futures.

There are 4 main types of parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. Having 4 different ways that you can parent can be confusing or even frustrating when you are trying to figure out what style best suits you and your family. For a brief description of each of the styles I will give a few sentences to explain each one. Authoritarian involves very strict parents that don’t let you have a say in pretty much anything. If you are told to do something, you do it. If you ask a question and your answer is “Because I said so”, you don’t argue and you take that as the final answer. Authoritative parenting does enforce rules that you are asked to follow but you are able to have a healthier relationship with your parents that does allow you to talk and figure things out together. Permissive parenting is the style that views their child as equal rather than a child of a parent. Lastly you have uninvolved. That could be classified as either the parents are not present in the home, or the child doesn’t have any relationship with the parents, and they are not interested in their child’s life.

Out of all of those styles two of them stand out the most to society, authoritative and permissive. “The Next Generation of Parents” article states, “In essence, Gen Z parents are likely to adopt a highly individualized approach to parenting…they aim to create an inclusive, diverse, and nurturing environment that encourages their children to discover and express their unique identities” (Bonatsos et al., 2023). In other words, Gen Z is very likely to choose the permissive parenting style. Pamela Li shares in her article, “The most popular American parenting style is the authoritative parenting style” (Li, 2023).  As you can see, authoritative and permissive parenting are comfortable choices that catch the eyes of society in our current time. Authoritative also stands out because it is seen as the best style that is between permissive and authoritarian. Permissive stands out because it allows the child to grow and be the way that they feel best expresses themselves. It is very important that all people have a mutual understanding that the way you raise your kids will affect who they are as a person and who they will be when they grow up. Parents only want the best for their children and want them to succeed and what would be better way to set up success for your children besides choosing from the very beginning he best way to parent.

There are plenty of thoughts that will cross your mind as you brainstorm the way that you want to raise your children. You may think about how you want your kids to have the life you always wanted, how you want to be the best parent to your kids, how you don’t want them to make the same mistakes you did, you want them to be safe, how you will or do love them so much, and the list is endless. It’s ok to be nervous and to feel like you don’t know what you are doing because many parents experience those same feelings when they become parents and even after they have been parents for years. My mom and dad still tell me that sometimes they just have to make guesses for things that they don’t have an answer to. When you become a parent, your mind easily switches to a whole new way of thinking which helps you conquer the journeys of mom and dad. Let’s not forget about the fact that you also have to agree with your spouse on which way you would like to parent. That can be a whole issue on its own because agreeing on something that you may see very different can bring out attitudes that are hard to push down, that make it hard to be accepting of the other point of view. To avoid those hard situations, you can talk before you have kids to see how you want to parent but of course that doesn’t always solve the problem. You could’ve chosen how you wanted to parent and now that you have a kid or multiple kids, you can see that what you thought would work isn’t working, you want to try a new way to raise your children, or you possibly got divorced and you need to change the way that you originally were teaching your kids because that style won’t work there aren’t two parents in the home. Whatever the circumstance may be, make sure you talk to your spouse or the other guardian of your child because things can get messy and be confusing for the children if you avoid that. Some families do not have the opportunity to keep both mom and dad in the same household which can result in the children being taught by two different types of parenting styles. That can be a very confusing and difficult time of life and depending on the age of the children, they may not understand why mom has different rules than dad. They may not want to follow the rules that mom has, because they simply like the way that dad lets them be in his house. Neil brown helps give an understanding of what you might see between parents that are divorced and the way that they treat situations. He says, “If there is unaddressed and unresolved discord between parents, they will quite often blame each other for the teen’s problem behaviors” (Neil, 2016). This does show how difficult it can be to have your children going from one house to the next when your ex-spouse does not agree with the way that you teach. It causes contention between those parents and it’s not healthy or fair for the children. Not all divorced parents are like this, some are good about communication and respecting what the other person thinks and they are ok with having a mutual parenting style but unfortunately the other side to this is not caring what the other parent wants or not holding up their part of the deal.

Parenting is already such a hard and time demanding task, you both don’t need the extra stress about wondering if your children are being taught what you hope they are when they are away from you. I am going to share an experience with you to give another example of what I mean in the sentences above. My husband, Mason, has two younger siblings (9 and 12) that go to their dad’s house every other weekend, and every other holiday. Their mom isn’t very strict, but she does have rules that she tries to stand by in her home; I would classify her as using permissive parenting. Her ex-husband however, does not enforce rules with them but his lack of attention to discipline is not the permissive style. Unfortunately, it is the uninvolved style. He is remarried and has three kids with his current wife and all of his attention and discipline goes to kids he had with his current wife. This isn’t something new and he’s been doing this to them since they were little. Mason’s siblings do not like going to their dad’s house which we can all understand why but because he has half custody and going to court hasn’t solved a thing, they will continue to go there every other weekend and every other holiday until they turn 18. Their mom and dad use two completely different parenting styles which is causing a lot of sadness and pain in Mason’s siblings. As you can see, it is very important that you and whoever takes care of your children are on the same page as it could result in one parent being completely neglectful and having no consequence for it. There are many different scenarios that we could look up or make up with parents that use different parenting styles, and you can do the same for parents that use the same parenting style but is there a way that we can avoid worrying about those scenarios? Would carefully choosing your parenting style help avoid the stress and worry of having similar scenarios happen to you? The answer is simple, yes.

Choosing to parent by using the authoritative style, is seen as the best parenting style that you could choose. In the article titled, “Which Parenting Type Is Right for You?” Donna Christiano says, “Many child development specialists consider this the most reasonable and effective form of parenting.” (Christiano, 2019).  It is recommended to use authoritative parenting because you have a high level of control, respect, warmness, and you have a good relationship with your children. There is bonding and love but there are also consequences and understanding of what is expected (Needham, 2022). Since authoritative parenting is seen as the best parenting style to use, I am going to share a few of my main ideas that will help you gain more knowledge about authoritative versus permissive parenting that will show you the importance of choosing the correct way to raise your children.

Think about the last interaction that you had with a 5-year-old. Now think about the last interaction that you had with a teenager. Whatever came to mind, were they similar? In the last few years, almost all of the interactions I have had with 5-year-olds or teenagers has not been pleasing. The overall attitude or reaction that I’ve received from both ages of kids is sass or back talk and I know that my peers have also experienced the same thing. Jennifer Benjamin wrote an article titled, “Is My Child Acting out or Is It Age- Appropriate Behavior?” and she states, “…One day, when you tell them it’s time to put away their toys and come to dinner, they may put their hands on their hips and say, “You’re stupid! …” (B, 2023). Sass can start at a young age and if we don’t put a stop to it then they will continue to act that way. Why are parents choosing to let their children act out and not care? If I did that when I was younger, and I’m sure that some of you can relate, I would get spanked, told that how I was acting was totally unacceptable, and I got sent to my room for the rest of the night. To connect to the teens, James Lehman wrote in his own article saying, “Most kids go through phases where they are sassy, sarcastic, mouthy, or disrespectful…” (L, 2023). James then goes on with an example like, if you have a daughter that rolls her eyes at you and you get mad, she will continue to roller her eyes because she knows that she is irritating you (L, 2023). Again, what is or isn’t being taught in the home that is making kids feel like they are perfectly fine to treat their parents that way? Your child is being very disrespectful towards you, and it should not be accepted no matter what parenting style you choose to use. However, permissive parents would view that type of situation as their child just expressing their feelings and being ok with it while authoritative parents would put a stop to it which is what all parents should do. When I see or read about people experiencing those types of behaviors, it makes me realize that not all families see respect as an important rule of thumb to teach in the home as it once was. It is crucial that all people value respect in and outside of the home and it is important that we understand what respect is. The dictionary defines “respect” as an act of giving particular attention or high/special attention. (Rangi, 2010).

Not all kids are being raised without respect in the home, credit needs to be taken where there is success. “Devin McCarthy, a 17-year-old Grade 12 student from Ottawa, has this to say about parental discipline: “Parents need to know when it’s best to put their foot down. A lot of kids will think that they know what’s best for themselves, but they are pretty inexperienced in a lot of things. You can learn a lot from a parent If you are willing to listen”” (Bergman et al., 2001). You don’t have to be ‘old enough’ to realize that taking charge and doing your part when it comes to raising your children is important. The parents of Devin did a great job helping him understand that it is ok for parents to put their foot down and that kids don’t always know what is best for themselves. This is a great example of parents that use authoritative parenting and the positive effects that it brings forward.

How close do you want to be with your future or current children? Do you want to be their friend pr more of an acquaintance or do you want to have a healthy relationship that you can be friends but you both understand that you are still a parent that has responsibilities to fulfill? Parents who choose to use permissive parenting view themselves as a friend to their child rather than a parent. To back that up, Brightside Academy of Ohio put out an article titled, “What is Permissive Parenting and How does it affect your child?” and it says, “Permissive parents view themselves as more of a friend than a parent…” (“What is Permissive Parenting,” 2020). Your child can have you as a friend, but your main goal shouldn’t be to have your child as your best friend. There is nothing wrong with being close with your children and wanting to hang out with them because that shows to your child that you care about them and want them to see the love that you have for them but there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed otherwise that important role of being a parent is just forgotten or not taken seriously. It will also be confusing for younger children if you are more of a friend to them because they will expect that out of other adults. You need to set the correct boundaries and teach them what is ok. If boundaries are never taught, how will your child ever know what is ‘wrong and right’?

What is the meaning of a parent? The Oxford English dictionary defines a parent as, “… A woman or man who takes on parental responsibilities towards a child…” Authoritative parents understand that they are to provide a sturdy path for their children so one day they become successful adults. Permissive parents don’t see that it is important for them to make a guide for their children to follow because they want their children to make those decisions on their own. They view rules as unfair for their child and they don’t want to seem like they are being forceful.

Parents that use permissive parenting don’t want to shove or force their children into anything, and while that is thoughtful of them, it isn’t the best choice to let kids choose everything for themselves. Also, permissive parents need to understand that it is ok for them to be viewed as an important person that deserves respect. It is ok to know that your child is not at the same level as you, you are the parent for a reason. Another point that I would like to make is you need to be that good example for your children to look up to. Not only does teaching have a large effect on how children grow up, but they are very smart and observant, and they will pick up on anything that you do whether you think they are watching, they see so much and reciprocate so much of what you do so that is why you need to be that good example right from the start. Is being a friend to your child easier than parenting? It’s similar to why parents choose to use permissive parenting, it is easier to say yes to your child to get them to leave you alone or to stop throwing a fit then trying to discipline and tell them no plus sometimes when you tell them no, you might feel like you are such a bad parent or that your kids will hate you. It’s always easy to assume the worse just like it’s always easy to just give something so that you can have your alone time. A blog called “New Mommy Media” shares this, “The past couple of years has been filled with seeking solace from devices and technology just to keep our sanity. Being cooped up in the house with your child probably forced you to turn to screens just to get your child off your back for a little while so you can have some time to yourself” (6 Parenting Trends to Embrace in 2023, 2023). It is difficult when kids are hyper and all over you but don’t go with the easiest option right away, give them time to play outside or use their imagination to get the wiggles out, screens don’t need to be the first thing that is given to them. When things get tough you can’t just give up, you can’t just give things because they are hard or difficult. What does that teach you? What does that teach your kids?

Most of the time we make decisions because it’s been something that’s been on our minds for a while, we get really determined, or because someone popular we admire or someone on social media is doing it so ‘I should too’. Why are we so easily influenced by the media and people that we follow? Simply because we all have a fear of missing out or standing out. We all just want to fit in and seem like we are perfect people with perfect families and that is what many social media influencers do with their lives whether that be work out fanatics, TikTok moms, bakers, etc. The sad part about all of the lives that we watch every day, is that they are mostly fake.

A graph from Richter (2019) shows that a lot of disinformation is spread by fake social media accounts. That could be seen as accounts that are fake news accounts or fake celebrities or it could be influencers posting fake ideas and ‘normal’ things daily. We need to understand that we don’t have to be like everyone else, that everything we see isn’t real, and things that are shown on the media shouldn’t always be desirable. Why is it important that I share that? Parents may want to stop and think if they are choosing to raise their children in a specific way because that is what they discussed or if it’s because someone else does it and they want to look like them. For example, Kourtney Kardashian, Will Smith, and Alanis Morrisette are celebrities that are permissive parents that influence many of their followers. People who care a lot about those celebrities are going to be influenced and are going to have a desire to be like them even if that means parenting like them. That is how they get you, however, don’t believe that it will be the best decision you made all because your influencers do it. Remember, almost everything you see on social media is fake, it is only posted for the views and the money, not because they genuinely want to help someone.

Lastly, who do you want your child to be when they are a grown adult? The way that you raise your children will determine who they will be when they are grown. All of the morals and standards we follow, were taught to us at a young age. Every time a choice is placed in front of you, you decide how to react based on how you were taught and what your standards are. The goals that you have achieved and have yet to achieve, reflect who you want to be and who you were raised to be. If your parents taught you to never give up and that you can accomplish anything your heart desires, you remember that each time you set a goal, or a challenge comes face to face with you. If your parents are not giving you much feedback and are telling you to do whatever you want, it can be hard to push yourself to go further with your dreams or goals. Permissive parents will tell you that you should do whatever you want, and they will be there to support you no matter where you end up and authoritative parents will guide you in a direction which still allows you to choose but you have some foundation that you can build upon. Sometimes doing more to be involved in someone’s life is better than being in someone’s life but not involved. Bigger isn’t always better and being alone doesn’t always make you stronger. You want your children to be how you thought of yourself at the beginning of this essay, strong, intelligent, approachable, polite, mature, and more. You want them to succeed and become the best version of themselves. Your job as a parent is to make sure that you prepare them enough in their early years to leave home and be responsible adults that can make their own way in the world.

There are so many things that you have to learn when you think about becoming or when you do become a parent and it’s hard to be one hundred percent prepared for it, and honestly there is no way that you can be one hundred percent prepared. You will have good and bad days, you will have days where you feel like you are going to give up, you will have days that you are so confused with how to be a parent still, but you put that aside because you want the best for your children. You want them to see how strong you are so they will have the goal to be strong like you. Kids are such a big joy in life. I asked my dad what one of his favorite things about life was and he responded with this, “I honestly love being a dad. Me and mom felt like we were missing something special in our lives and that’s when we knew that we wanted to have kids. You guys are so fun, and you bring so much joy to me. I have never wished to go back in change things, and I never will. I don’t know what I would do without you. You make life so much more enjoyable.” It touched my heart because it made me realize how much I meant to my parents. They weren’t in my life to torcher me or to ruin my life, but they are here for me when I need them most and they show me love that no one else will ever be able to replicate. I look at the adult that I am today and without a doubt, I know that I am ME because of the way that my parents chose to raise me. I am proud of the person that I am today, and I will never look back and wish that I grew up differently. I hope to one day be as great of a parent as my mom and dad are to me. Thank you, mom and dad, for being authoritative parents and raising me the way you did.

Work Cited

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