16 Religious Absolutism: A Potentially Dangerous Parenting Style

About the Author

Isaac Niu was born in Gilbert, Arizona and moved to Logan, Utah to attend USU. He is currently studying Biochemistry and plans to be an orthodontist when he finishes school. Niu’s hobbies consist of snowboarding and playing Rocket League.

This essay was composed in May 2022 and uses MLA documentation.

RELIGION HAS BEEN A SIGNIFICANT FACTOR in people’s culture and beliefs throughout most recorded human existence. Some of the earliest records that we have of different societies around the world are thought to show religious behavior and dedication. Any persisting religion has been taught from generation to generation, and this tradition has continued until today. While people’s beliefs vary much more extensively in present America than they ever have, the importance of establishing common values in a family persists. However, some religious parents are too focused on whether or not their child strictly follows the rules of their religion, letting this focus take precedence over the healthy development of their children. This behavior can be referred to as religious absolutism, which can negatively impact a child while they are developing. While religion can be an excellent tool for teaching moral values to children, prioritizing religious beliefs over healthy development can be detrimental to a child’s upbringing. Religious parents should recognize the benefits of having common family moral values while being wary of the negative impacts of unhealthy enforcement of religious tradition.

Religion exists in many forms and can be perceived differently by many people. What is considered religious by some may not be deemed religious by others. While exploring this complex concept, Dr. Saroglou determined that being religious entails

holding a set of beliefs about transcendent entities… having self-transcendent, emotional experiences… exerting self-control to behave in accordance with [certain social norms] … or identifying and affiliating with a certain community or tradition. (McKay 449)

It could be argued that almost everybody falls under some of these categories, even if they are not theistically religious in any way. Whether it be through belief in a god, a search for personal growth through meditation, or the practice of a particular moral code, all of these behaviors qualify as religious to some extent. In general, the concept of religious absolutism can apply to almost all systems of belief, including atheism.

No matter the religion that a parent chooses to teach their kids to practice, it is important that a family has shared values. When common values are taught consistently throughout a child’s development, this allows for a strong foundation that a child can rely on when making difficult decisions. Dr. Shonna Waters talks about more benefits of having consistent family values in a blog post, saying, “When parents or guardians follow a set of clear values, [children] have clarity on what is right and wrong. Values give them structure and boundaries within which they can thrive” (Waters). By clearly establishing the guidelines for what a child should value, they can learn and develop in a stable environment, leading to higher success in developing important skills. In contrast, when a child is raised without consistent parental behavior, “the child learns that they can’t count on their caregivers’ rules and expectations. This can cause aggression, hostility, complacency, confusion, unruliness, and/or passivity” (Ceder). When these behaviors are seen in children, that indicates a lack of skill in understanding or reacting to the world around them. A parenting style that establishes family values can help avoid these issues by creating a stable learning environment for children.

Religion can be a great tool in establishing this family structure. According to a 2019 survey conducted with U.S. teens aged 13-17 and one parent of each teen, 48% of teens say they have all of the same beliefs as their parent, with only 8% of teen respondents saying that they had “quite different” beliefs compared to their parent. While parents typically have stronger religious beliefs than their adolescent children (Sciupac), the fact that about half of teens share all of the same beliefs demonstrates the effectiveness of religion in establishing common moral values between parents and their children.

This pattern can be further understood when analyzing its trends with different family dynamics. In 1996, Dr. Scott Myers performed a study examining how different factors could impact the inheritance of religiosity from parent to offspring. One of the observed trends was that “parents with different levels of religious beliefs may have more difficulty transmitting their religiosity than parents with similar religious commitments” (Myers). This trend likely has much to do with the fact that a lack of clarity and consistency in the morals taught can lead to confusion about what is right and wrong in a child. When parents disagree on what to teach their children, this can lead to some developmental issues seen in inconsistent family environments, which may be related to the increased difficulty in transmitting religiosity to offspring. This does not mean that parents cannot disagree regarding actual religion, but the moral values they teach should align with one another.

Not only is religion a great way to establish common moral values in a family, but it generally results in different moral values compared to non-religious lifestyles. In fact, according to a study done in 2019, within a group of survey respondents ages 18 to 83, respondents self-identifying as religious were more likely to endorse the five moral foundations that psychologists most commonly study: care, fairness, ingroup loyalty, authority, and purity (Schwadel). This study, alongside the fact that religion can be a great way to establish common moral values within a family, demonstrates the benefit of having some religion or common ideology when it comes to raising a family.

While establishing common beliefs within a family can reap many benefits, using religion to do so can quickly turn into a religiously absolutistic parenting style, from which many issues can arise. It is unhealthy for a parent to disregard their child’s needs and prioritize their own expectations for them, and religion is no exception. Often when a parent exhibits this parenting style, it can be detrimental to the parent-child relationship, negatively affecting the child’s development. In a 19-year study following kids aged 13 to 32, it was found that children with more controlling parents were less likely to be in a romantic relationship or have academic achievements (Feder). A statistical decrease in the probability of a child achieving these things indicates the considerable negative implications of controlling parenting on a child’s ability to adapt. Dr. Emily Loeb explicitly talks about this effect. She says, “perceived parental psychological control in early adolescence potentially undermines autonomy so as to lead to less favorable outcomes well into adulthood” (Loeb 158). As can be seen, a controlling parent style alone can greatly impact a child’s development and outcomes as an adult. Still, the role of religion in religious absolutism may have even more significant consequences.

An organized religion can change the ideology of a person in very drastic ways. This is because of the nature of organized religion, which only can survive if it can change a person’s behavior to spread itself in some way, often by encouraging parents to teach it to their children. Dr. Bobby Azarian analyzes this idea, comparing the survival of religion to natural selection. He says, “Successful ideas are those that are best able to spread themselves, while those that fail to self-replicate go extinct. In this way, some religious ideologies persist while others fade into oblivion” (Azarian). For a religion to survive, it must change a person’s ideas and actions to replicate itself. This change can be beneficial or disadvantageous to those that practice the religion. Harmful effects are most often seen in groups of people who take their religion too radically. Azarian speaks on how this could come to be, noting that

religious fundamentalism—which refers to the belief in the absolute authority of a religious text or leaders—is almost never good for an individual. This is primarily because fundamentalism discourages logical reasoning or scientific evidence that challenges its scripture, making it inherently maladaptive. (Azarian)

Countless examples have been witnessed throughout history of how religion has driven people to do immoral things, with the Crusades being a good example. While being too strict about religion in parenting is not very comparable to the Crusades, this example shows the extent of power that religion can have on the behaviors of an individual or group.

This way of thinking about religion may explain a trend found in a study done in 2018, where third graders were assessed based on standardized test scores and ratings from their teachers. In the study, Dr. John Bartowski reports that third graders with a more religious background typically performed worse in science, math, and reading tasks (Bartowski). This relationship may result from the religious fundamentalism that Dr. Azarian speaks of. When what children are taught in school contradicts religion, it may be more difficult for a child raised religiously to understand. For example, a child may have issues grasping a concept such as evolution when they’ve been taught about the creation of man differently in their religious background. This problem may be avoided by teaching children to be open to different concepts instead of focusing on religion alone.

When it comes to religious beliefs, many parents overestimate their child’s commitment to the religion they were raised in. In a survey completed by Pew Research Center, 69% of parents overestimated how important religion is to their teens (Sciupac). A difference in perception of the importance of religion can very quickly lead to conflict between a parent and their adolescent. During these intrafamilial religious conflicts, it is important that the parent avoid fundamentally defending their religion before considering the needs of their child. According to Dr. Susan Branje, conflict can be a tool for reorganizing parent-child relationships “when parents and adolescents can switch flexibly between a range of positive and negative emotions” (Branje). If, in conflicts with a child, a parent is non-negotiable and does not vary emotionally, this can be extremely detrimental to the parent-child relationship. It is unhealthy for a parent to do so when in religious conflict with a child, and avoiding this behavior is vital to developing successful characteristics in children.

There is a delicate balance between being consistent when teaching what morals your children should value and holding them too strictly to that standard. A Christian mom who runs the family blog They Didn’t Come with a Manual explores the difficulty of this relationship in one of their posts, saying,

Our beliefs and rules come from a source that we may not like to question and it can feel as though so much is at stake (…heaven or hell). We can feel so strongly about adherence to it that it easily becomes a battle ground with our children who will very likely have a different view than we do. (Parenting and Religion)

Most parents have the best interest of their children in mind at all times, and sometimes it seems that doing whatever it takes to align their children with their religious viewpoints would be the best thing. However, it is important to realize this is not the case because doing so can lead to many developmental issues that follow children well into adulthood. A self-proclaimed agnostic owner of a parenting blog, Sumitha Bhandarkar, puts it well when she says that no matter the form of religion, “It is extremely important… to prepare [your children] with a strong foundation of your faith, standing on which they can choose for themselves what they want to believe in” (Bhandarkar). If parents do their best to consistently teach and guide their children with what they have come to know is right and then accept their child for whoever they come to be, that creates an ideal environment under which a child can thrive and grow.

Overall, while religion is of varying importance in people’s lives, we all have a code of morals that we live our lives by. When raising children, this moral code is undoubtedly what should be taught to our children, but we cannot let our religion blind us from what is most important: our children. By focusing on our children as individuals, we want the best for them instead of viewing them as what we wish they would be religiously; the question of how important religion should be when raising children becomes evident. While religion can be an excellent tool for teaching children moral values and establishing uniformity in a family environment, it should not take precedence before the needs of a child.

Works Cited

Azarian, Bobby. “How Religious Fundamentalism Hijacks the Brain”. Psychology Today, 18 October 2018. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-in-the-machine/201810/how-religious-fundamentalism-hijacks-the-brain.

Bartkowski, John. “Mixed Blessing: The Beneficial and Detrimental Effects of Religion on Child Development among Third Graders”. Religions, vol. 10, no. 1, 2019.

Bhandarkar, Sumitha. “How Your Religious Beliefs (or Lack Thereof) Shapes Your Kids.” A Fine Parent. https://afineparent.com/self-awareness/religious-beliefs.html

Branje, Susan. “Development of Parent-Adolescent Relationships: Conflict Interactions as a Mechanism of Change.” Child Development Perspectives, vol. 12, no. 3, Jan. 2018, pp. 171-176.

Ceder, Jill. “Why Does Consistency Matter in Parenting?” VeryWell Family, 8 March 2022. https://www.verywellfamily.com/why-does-consistency-matter-in-parenting-4135227

Feder, Shira. “Teens with Controlling Parents Struggle to Build Strong Relationships and Succeed in Education.” Insider, 20 June 2020, https://www.insider.com/teens-with-controlling-parents-struggle-in-relationship-school-study-2020-6#:~:text=A%20new%20study%20found%20that,term%20dangers%20of%20controlling%20parenting.

Loeb, Emily. “Perceived Psychological Control in Early Adolescence Predicts Lower Levels of Adaptation into Mid-Adulthood.” Child Development, vol. 92, no. 2, 16 June 2020, pp. 158-172.

McKay, Ryan. “Religion and Morality.” American Psychological Association, vol. 141, No. 2, 2015, pp. 447-473.

Myers, Scott. “An Interactive Model of Religiosity Inheritance: The Importance of Family Context”. American Sociological Association, vol. 62, no. 5, Oct. 1996, pp. 858-866.

“Parenting and Religion”. They Didn’t Come with a Manual. https://theydidntcomewithamanual.com/nurture-the-child/parenting-religion/

Saroglou, Vassilis. “Believing, Bonding, Behaving, and Belonging: The Big Four Religious Dimensions and Cultural Variation”. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, vol. 42, no. 8, 2 September 2011, pp. 1320-1340.

Schwadel, Philip. “Faith Still Shapes Morals and Values Even after People Are ‘Done’ with Religion.” The Conversation, 16 June 2021, https://theconversation.com/faith-still-shapes-morals-and-values-even-after-people-are-done-with-religion-160328#:~:text=Religion%20influences%20morals%20and%20values,a%20web%20of%20social%20connections.

Sciupac, Elizabeth. “U.S Teens Take after Their Parents Religiously, Attend Services Together and Enjoy Family Rituals.” Pew Research Center, 10 Sep. 2020.

Waters, Shonna. “How to Instill Family Values That Align with Your Own.” BetterUp, 19 Nov. 2021. https://www.betterup.com/blog/family-values.